"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
With no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life"
-- "Welcome to My Life"
-- Simple Plan

Poo on you if you don't like this band.

Anyway, this is the song that came on at work and almost made me cry. Yeah, it hit THAT close to home. I swear, had my co-workers and my boss not been there, there might have been some tears.

...But that was a while ago.... Well, a few days ago. I think I feel better. Maybe not. I don't know. It seems that whenever I'm alone with my thoughts for too long I go into a bout of emo-ness that wants to eat my soul. But as soon as I get together with my friends and have some fun, it goes and hides away.

It's weird. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. But I'm sure it has to do with my friends. Not that there's anything wrong with them. They are great in their ways.

It's just that I don't want them to leave me.

I know this has been a past theme in my diary before, but now I'm starting to understand something about it. I swear, I have a terrible fear of abandonment. It would explain too many things to me. Why I crave relationships, yet are too afraid to start them and why I cling to my friends, even if they don't realize it, and hardly do a thing without them.

The worst part is that they're all gonna leave me. I know it. We all have our own lives to lead. I can't stop time and let us be together forever. But, it hurts to realize that in a year or two, nothing will be the same. Some friends will move, others will graduate... I'll be left behind... and alone. I don't know what I'll do. If I'm stuck here at college without anyone to talk with, eat with, or hang with... I might not be able to cope. I mean, if I feel lonely for a day without my friends around me, what the hell am I gonna do when Haruko-san goes to Japan? Or when S-chan graduates? Or when Linkie-chan finishes graduates (if she does) before me? Or Kaede-chan moves away/ graduates?

All alone.

I want Dinna to stick close by me, but she's already at Michigan Tech, which is SO fucking far... I thought we might be able to hang together after college... maybe get an apartment together... and do our writing thing... but that's just a hope. I doubt it'll be substantial. And that doesn't help the fact that I might be stuck still at college by my lonesome for a semester or more.

I'll miss them so bad. It literally hurts to think about it. It makes my head hurt, my chest hurt... god it just hurts. And I can't stop wondering "what the hell am I gonna do?" I can't stop anyone from doing something that will help themselves, like get away from Superior. It is poo, after all.

I feel just like I did when Aya-chan left me. Like I'm losing myself and I can't get it back. I think I've given too many peices of my heart away and they're gonna be taken too far from me.

I just don't know what to do. I can't follow any of my friends where they're going. I don't belong there. I have a place that I'm suppose to be. I just don't have a clue as to where it is. I'm so tired and lost.

Damn... this stupid feeling in my chest... I suppose that's what they call a "heavy heart". It's... it's like when you watch a television series... and you've been so enthralled in it... and it finally comes to an end... and you want more... but you can't have more. It's over. You need to move to something else. But you can't. You love THAT show too much.

Just like with FY... and Slayers... and Fruits Basket.. and too many others... I just get that sad feeling... and I hate it.

I supppose I consider my life a television show. It has a beginning and an end. Myself and my friends are the main charaters. We live and have our escapades. Then they leave, and it's sad. And in the end, when I die, the series will end. But before that, I must be tortured with the coming and going of new actors and actresses.

Che, if this is how my life is gonna be, I'm not so sure it will be so great.... or that I can take many more comings and goings... mostly goings...

Nothing in my life ever seems to be constant. You'd think it'd be exciting, but it's just depressing. Isn't that just the life of me; To get something for a while, then have it break in my hands, like I can't ever keep anything wihtout breaking or losing it?

Of course, since my life is just a big, funny joke to everyone. Hell, even I think it's a big joke. I don't think I know what I'm doing half of the time. "Just going through the motions" would be apt to describe myself half of the time.

But, I think this is enough crying for the day. Don't need my roomie walking in on me with big red eyes and tear streaks down my face. That would be embarassing.

I guess... yeah... I'm done with this.

No need to further my sadness.

That would just be masochistic of me.

~Topaz~